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Jim.
[ crying and shaking. ]
I would very much like to go fishing with you one day. If you'll have me.
[ crying and shaking. ]
I would very much like to go fishing with you one day. If you'll have me.
[He's surprised by the candidness of it, more than anything. He'd been surprised by her apparent jealousy too. It's, it seems, a month for surprises.
Slowly, he responds: ] You know you're welcome out here any time. I might just need a few hours notice to have it up to snuff for a queen.
Slowly, he responds: ] You know you're welcome out here any time. I might just need a few hours notice to have it up to snuff for a queen.
[ she received a talking to. also the jealousy came as a surprise to her too. ]
That is not necessary, Jim. I would like it [ "you" ] as it is.
That is not necessary, Jim. I would like it [ "you" ] as it is.
[He hates the unease in his gut; the nervous twist it does, the dip of shame, never quite gone, always lingering. If he were younger, would it be easier? If he were younger, would he be braver? He thinks this might be brave - that is, the casual intimacy he shares with Stephen. The fact that he lets himself kiss, be kissed, held, loved intimately.
He wishes it were purer, is the thing. He wishes he could say with the conviction Stephen has, that in saying it, he wouldn't hear his father calling him a queer. He says, anyway: ] I know.
[And then, braver, he takes Stephen's hand. He holds it sweetly. He says, braver still: ] Are. [A minor correction. ] I'm not - ashamed of it. What happened?
He wishes it were purer, is the thing. He wishes he could say with the conviction Stephen has, that in saying it, he wouldn't hear his father calling him a queer. He says, anyway: ] I know.
[And then, braver, he takes Stephen's hand. He holds it sweetly. He says, braver still: ] Are. [A minor correction. ] I'm not - ashamed of it. What happened?
sure doesn't sound like it!
sooooooo
you wanna? I'm very versatile!
sooooooo
you wanna? I'm very versatile!
[ Oh. Something twists in him, goes cold then hot. Not having come here for reciprocation he somehow didn't anticipate this. The hand in his, that small correction that lands heavier than he could have expected. The wind goes entirely out of his sails, takes with it the last of his anger, and it leaves him feeling strangely fragile when the question of what happened intrudes on his brief brush with delight. ]
Alicent. [ That's the conversation that brought him here. It's the one he cites as his fingers curl in Jim's hold in advance reassurance: not you. I'm not upset with you. ] Your expectations for one another don't appear to align.
Alicent. [ That's the conversation that brought him here. It's the one he cites as his fingers curl in Jim's hold in advance reassurance: not you. I'm not upset with you. ] Your expectations for one another don't appear to align.
Edited 2024-04-19 16:48 (UTC)
If I'm being honest, I wasn't really aware that we had expectations before today. [There was an arrangement and Jim has been, he thinks, moving at whatever pace Alicent's deemed comfortable. He has, if he's really honest, been lazy about it, as he has been with most things.
There have simply just been more pressing things to worry about. More present dangers than Alicent's wrath. Naive of him, really, now that it's come to bite them both in the ass. He concedes with:] I'll talk to her. [And: ] It must have been something, to piss you off.
There have simply just been more pressing things to worry about. More present dangers than Alicent's wrath. Naive of him, really, now that it's come to bite them both in the ass. He concedes with:] I'll talk to her. [And: ] It must have been something, to piss you off.
[ That would be why the expectations didn't align then, Jim, wouldn't it? But Stephen can't blame him. He himself hasn't had a single deliberate conversation about needs and expectations with any one person he's been sleeping with. ]
It was and it wasn't. [ It was. The it wasn't comes mostly from how small the comment was that had really set him off, and how hard it had hit all the same. He should probably warn him. If this is hard for Stephen, he can only imagine it's harder for Jim with the decades that yawn between them. ] I told her what we were, in the Void. She made a derogatory point of my being a man.
[ It was the first time that's ever happened to him. He hadn't quite been ready for his own reaction. ]
If she says anything to you, cut her off. You don't have to listen to that.
[ Stephen hadn't. One strike and he'd killed the conversation dead. ]
It was and it wasn't. [ It was. The it wasn't comes mostly from how small the comment was that had really set him off, and how hard it had hit all the same. He should probably warn him. If this is hard for Stephen, he can only imagine it's harder for Jim with the decades that yawn between them. ] I told her what we were, in the Void. She made a derogatory point of my being a man.
[ It was the first time that's ever happened to him. He hadn't quite been ready for his own reaction. ]
If she says anything to you, cut her off. You don't have to listen to that.
[ Stephen hadn't. One strike and he'd killed the conversation dead. ]
Edited (let's contextualise that shall we let's clarify that contextualisation shall we) 2024-04-19 17:50 (UTC)
[He goes still. He doesn't know why it surprises him, he doesn't grasp the magnitude of his shock, of his own, quiet shame rearing its ugly head again. He thinks, months ago, he might have been angry that Stephen told her. He thinks months ago he'd have pulled away by now and said: you had no right to tell anyone. He doesn't pull away, he isn't angry. The embarrassment is less about the fact that he and Stephen are men, and more than some, deep part of him still thinks to care.
He exhales after a long moment. ] Anyone back home might have said the same thing, to me. [Worse, even. Crueller. He might have said the same thing, once. ] So it'll be nothing I won't have heard before.
[He adds, after a beat: ] You know - some of us, or most of us, need time to adapt and relearn ... Old prejudices. A lot of time, sometimes. Maybe more than six months in a strange town, with stranger people.
He exhales after a long moment. ] Anyone back home might have said the same thing, to me. [Worse, even. Crueller. He might have said the same thing, once. ] So it'll be nothing I won't have heard before.
[He adds, after a beat: ] You know - some of us, or most of us, need time to adapt and relearn ... Old prejudices. A lot of time, sometimes. Maybe more than six months in a strange town, with stranger people.
I know. [ Quiet. He does. In theory, he does. Deeply conditioned beliefs take a long time to unpick, he knows that, he's not immune to it himself, but... ] It isn't the point that you've heard it before. The world isn't so changed that people don't still sling the same old shit around, it's all still out there.
[ He's heard it before too, though never aimed his way in anything other than petty thoughtlessness. He's not naive. He's complacent. That's what had really made him angry: understanding all of a sudden how little he'd bothered to understand when he'd still considered it largely none of his business.
But the other thing he'd felt, keen and blade-sharp, was - ]
The point is that you deserve better from her. She can take all the time she needs. You don't have to stand there holding her hand while she throws stones at you.
[ His gaze is, by now, fierce. He won't have Alicent fire shame-tipped arrows into this man from inside the house when he knows how hard he's had to work to purge as much of it from his system as he already has. Enough to stand here now, hand still in Stephen's, speaking candidly with him. ]
It won't do either of you any good.
[ He's heard it before too, though never aimed his way in anything other than petty thoughtlessness. He's not naive. He's complacent. That's what had really made him angry: understanding all of a sudden how little he'd bothered to understand when he'd still considered it largely none of his business.
But the other thing he'd felt, keen and blade-sharp, was - ]
The point is that you deserve better from her. She can take all the time she needs. You don't have to stand there holding her hand while she throws stones at you.
[ His gaze is, by now, fierce. He won't have Alicent fire shame-tipped arrows into this man from inside the house when he knows how hard he's had to work to purge as much of it from his system as he already has. Enough to stand here now, hand still in Stephen's, speaking candidly with him. ]
It won't do either of you any good.
they--- shouldn't you be coming to take me home?!
[ Deeply hurt, deeply frustrated, deeply annoyed about all the goat hair in his living space. Being furious comes easy. ]
Yeah, I've had enough too. Go fuck yourself, Hop, but I guess the wizard's got you covered.
Yeah, I've had enough too. Go fuck yourself, Hop, but I guess the wizard's got you covered.
It got me in the forest -- He. It. It wasn't Murphy. ( he's sure of that, dead sure. he won't let anyone argue it, won't let anyone lay the blame for what happened on a set of shoulders that don't deserve it all.
he's not sure what else to say after that, where to start. but he sounds near hysterical when he lets a cry stumble from his mouth: ) I fucking burnt someone's house down, their farm. Hop. I-- I did that.
I carved a guy up. ( he feels sick, he feels sick, he feels sick. he lifts his hands up, shoving at the circle of Jim Hopper's arms. suddenly that hysteria is panic, is anger, is confused frustration because this isn't the first time Jim's seen him at a low, carrying scars someone else lead him toward. ) You shouldn't-- Why do you keep being here when I fall a-fucking-part?
he's not sure what else to say after that, where to start. but he sounds near hysterical when he lets a cry stumble from his mouth: ) I fucking burnt someone's house down, their farm. Hop. I-- I did that.
I carved a guy up. ( he feels sick, he feels sick, he feels sick. he lifts his hands up, shoving at the circle of Jim Hopper's arms. suddenly that hysteria is panic, is anger, is confused frustration because this isn't the first time Jim's seen him at a low, carrying scars someone else lead him toward. ) You shouldn't-- Why do you keep being here when I fall a-fucking-part?
( 'are you holding up ok?' is a stupid question right now when everyone is grieving in their own way. jim's lost two close friends, he knows that. he's lost House. Eddie feels that one deeply too, is trying not to let himself fall apart because he's sure if he does, he won't be able to stop. he won't be able to be there for Jem, for Danny. he won't be able to check in on Stephen or Jim to see how they're doing either. he's better with putting others first, little sheepies or his partners, he can deal on his own later.
he doesn't want to check in over the mental network, but -- for once -- he decides to give a warning instead of letting himself into the cabin unannounced because it's a second home. back in hawkins, a heads-up meant time to crack down on the pesky little emotions that are seeping out and can be seen. ) i'm brining home some rabbit food and grass. want anything else?
15% chance i might freak out about losing my wedding ring or a child or that we've been kidnapped and reality isn't real the moment i see you
he doesn't want to check in over the mental network, but -- for once -- he decides to give a warning instead of letting himself into the cabin unannounced because it's a second home. back in hawkins, a heads-up meant time to crack down on the pesky little emotions that are seeping out and can be seen. ) i'm brining home some rabbit food and grass. want anything else?
15% chance i might freak out about losing my wedding ring or a child or that we've been kidnapped and reality isn't real the moment i see you
Edited 2024-04-30 19:43 (UTC)
i thought her name was ELLE?
[ A quick little blip, because, what? Max called her 'Elle,' he thought, and there was another name that that thing called her. A number. Not Jane. ]
[ A quick little blip, because, what? Max called her 'Elle,' he thought, and there was another name that that thing called her. A number. Not Jane. ]
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